CHANGED

More similar than different.

2006-03-08T21:06:00.000-08:00

see yourself

beautiful

2006-01-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

I love the look on his face.

This sparked the writer in me.

2005-12-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

This was the first thing that I ever really wrote. Stephen Christian, the singer for Anberlin, has a blog (www.modesty.blogspot.com) on which people were discussing love. Can and does God really create one person especially for another? I was upset that so many people were saying no, and this is in response to that. *Stephen graciously edited out parts that I would probably be embarrassed for writing now, and posted it on his blog on January 13, 2004. Though it's almost two years old, this is one chunk of thoughts that I've had which have not changed since then. I had always planned to post this on my blog but was thinking that maybe I would add to it or put it up on my favorite holiday (Valentine's Day) or something else like that. However, I just emailed a friend and said I'd post this instead of talking more about love in the email, so here it is, without much rhyme or reason.

...It's incredibly foolish and courageous to believe that there is someone out there created for you and only you. I guess that makes me a courageous fool. I have seen people in love, in a love that is so amazingly spectacular you know it's from God.That's what I want. I believe with every breath in me that God is a hopeless romantic. All he asks is that we wait on his timing, and if we do, he'll rip our lives apart with love from every angle. A love much bigger, stronger, greater than anything we could have asked for. Granted, taking such a leap of faith is easier said than done, but I refuse to settle for a relationship built on lust which arrogantly calls itself love. God knows all of me, he knows what I long for and what makes my heart smile. He is the one who gave my heart it's yearnings and desires. How awful would it be of me to believe that he's incapable of giving me someone who is not only all I've ever dreamt of, but more. Letting your hopes settle on anything less than a match made in heaven only serves to cripple God. I trust that whoever it is that God has in mind for me is wildly better than who I could find for myself. There is such a difference between loving someone and being in love with them, and I think people marry someone they love but aren't in love with out of fear. Fear of ending up alone, fear of never feeling loved, fear of never finding anyone better.... How that must make God's heart ache...

I am a

2005-12-21T20:44:00.001-08:00

hopeful mess

...more to come

I believe in y/You

2005-10-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm gone
don't hurry, honey,
my heart has passed you by
and by
this remote no longer working
I won't go back today
I'll be without you today
flash your smile since you insist
darling,
keep your words still in your lips
a void they left
now void they fall
on my new heart
not to be taken
lightly
you've been missed
I've been hit
one day you'll stop this race you've lost
one day
colours exploded
faded
brought ashes of when
beauty and tears
my Love -
better than it all
fondly you're remembered
though I forget how to miss you
sweet friend, I pray
you'll see the art you are
now let me say
that you are seen
not
tainted
destroyed
nor from afar
please listen to my words
you are believed in
you are loved
you are simply beautiful
and when that which you do
is not who you are
I'll still be right here
convinced
of you
convinced
of Him
convinced that you are ever adored

Eyes to see...

2005-09-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

Poverty is a national crisis
As Hurricane Katrina has dramatically exposed the urban poverty in southern cities, it is important to remember that poverty is a national problem, and a growing one.
37 million - total number of people living in poverty in the U.S.
13 million - number of children living in poverty
1.1 million - number of people who fell below the poverty threshold between 2003 and 2004
4 - number of consecutive years in which the poverty rate has risen in America
Source: The U.S. Census Bureau

*From Sojourners

Truth for more than 100 days...

2005-07-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

For Lauren, the girl who is loved.

I can't wait for you to give into love
I can't wait for you to get what you're made of
Won't that change everything
Won't it make life more than it has seemed
Won't you see you weren't made for nothing
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
And I know you well but I can only do so much for you
And I would do it all if I could just show you truth
Won't that change everything
Won't it make life more than it has seemed
Won't you see you weren't made for nothing
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
You are beautiful
~ Late Tuesday

from glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul
o, foot of Christ, would you wait if her harlotries known?
falls a tear to darken the dirt
of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt
she is strong enough to stand in Your love,
I can hear her say...
I am weak
I am poor
I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
hold me now
hold me now
let he without sin cast the first stone if you will
to say that My bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled
point your fingers and laugh if you choose
to say My beloved is borrowed and used
she is strong enough to stand in My love
and I can hear her say...
I am weak
I am poor
I'm broken, Lord, but I'm Yours
hold me now
hold me now
I am weak
I am poor
I'm broken, Lord, but I am Yours
hold me now
hold me now
I am weak
And I'm poor
I am broken, Lord, but I am yours
hold me now
hold me now
~ Jennifer Knapp
You're His. Nothing else will ever matter.

I love you, sweet and beautiful daughter of the King.
I need your friendship. Thank you.

www.dailydig.bruderhof.org

2005-06-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

It is not physical solitude that actually separates one from others; not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. How often in a large city, shaking hands with my friends, I have felt the wilderness stretching between us. Both of us were wandering in arid wastes, having lost the springs that nourished us - or having found them dry. Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude.
~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Swept away 5/06

2005-05-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

You inspired me today.
I saw you in a smile
felt you in a hug
My attention turned contemplative as I thought of my worth
Amusement rose the corners of my mouth,
reminded that my worth has nothing to do with me -
it wouldn't be worth, it'd be a feeling
I'd lose it
Hurt it
Break it
Empty it
No-
What I have is something given
not to be taken by anything or anyone
Not even myself.
Taintless worth
is what you've bestowed upon this girl who enraptures your heart,
romantically existing as the one you can't help but notice.
So thank you for the hug and thank you for the smile, and
I need you to know
I notice You too.

He is my reflection...

2005-04-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

I am beautiful.

God never fails.

2005-03-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

"God does not condemn us to Hell; God wishes all humans to be saved. He will love us to all eternity, but there will exist the possibility that we do not accept the love and do not respond to it. And the refusal to accept love, the refusal to respond to it, that precisely is the meaning of Hell. Hell is not a place where God puts us; it’s a place where we put ourselves. The doors of Hell, insofar as they have locks, have locks on the inside." ~ Kallistos Ware
Love has floored me.
I've seen it in action; taking flight to enrapture friends and carry them to a place of solace. After years of numbness, settling for much less than what they were made for, the cold is melting and the darkness is fleeing as love finally has its way. The beauty of grace is unveiling itself and my heart grows at each illumination. My tongue wants to speak of nothing but the romance of His love. Dripping from my lips are praises for the King who is to save.
Tears of joy rest behind the eyes You're opening to Your beauty.
O sweet Love, I thank you. I thank you for Lauren. I thank you for Jana. I thank you for fighting for us...You're showing me tangibly that "love never fails."

Heart dream 1/20

2005-01-24T17:51:00.000-08:00

he left his footprints across my heart...
Rarely do I let my thoughts go to him,
the memory fades though still is aches and breaks me
to the core,
ignorant no longer of the bliss I can feel, he made me feel...
he makes me feel

Beautiful Lauren...

2005-01-21T18:55:00.000-08:00

I love you, sweet girl.
Jesus is near.

Enough said...

2005-01-01T17:21:00.000-08:00

"Let me seek Thee in longing, let me long for Thee in seeking;
let me find Thee in love, and love Thee in finding." ~ Anselm

Not broken or dark.

2004-12-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplative the last few days. (I think that adequate amounts of sleep and time for pleasure reading are to blame...) My thoughts, taking many different forms, routes, and lengths, all lead me to one simple truth - I know very little.
To sum up my knowledge as neatly as I'm able, I know that God is good. That He is unfailing in every way. That He loves me. And that I love Him.
There you have it. After twenty years in this world, owing thousands of dollars to the government in tuition fees, and innumerable conversations about "wise and knowledgeable" things from a variety of people; I can state everything I truly know in 4 sentences.
Is that a good thing...?
I'm learning that I am small. And weak to a surprising extent. The nice thing about these humbling lessons is that seeing more of my inadequacies enables me to see more of God's glory. Because, in all of my smallness - He is big. And His strength is uncomparably more than my weakness. It's miraculous how He has taken, takes, and will continue to take such wonderful care of me.
Last year I was tormented by a couple of thoughts which faded for a while but are now, slowly but forcefully, slipping back into my head...
Not being cared for is a bitingly painful experience. And not being known is possibly the most painful experience one can go through...Especially when you were known once upon a time but now lie easily discarded - out of mind and out of heart.
Mother Teresa said, "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable, be honest and transparent anyway." To let someone in on the real you is always life-altering and most always life-changing. To be vulnerable with someone, and then to be rejected by that same someone, is devastating to the spirit. To be turned away from by someone you let see you and know you for everything you are destroys an innocence that would rather be left alone. This dismissal forces an awareness that who you are can be forgotten about without explanation. Your whole person - mind, heart, soul, and spirit - is left shattered and bruised in a way so cruel that you're left speechless...
I want to be more than a feeling, more than a moment, more than a memory.
I want to be known.
I praise you, my King, for never turning from me. Never leaving me though I leave you. How grateful I am for your care and adoration of me.
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." ~ Isaiah 42:3
Thank you for knowing me. I pray that you'll shape me into someone you're glad to know, glad to have created.
O sweet Jesus, thank you for carrying me through everything. When everything falls around me and everyone falls from me, you give me your strength to rise and keep fighting. You bring beauty and romance to a world that is so often anything but.
Thank you for teaching me what I know. A few sentences may not be much, but they're all the truth I need for this breath.
I love you.

Happy birthday, Jesus... <3

2004-12-25T21:54:00.000-08:00

This holiday season - for the first time in my memory, I didn't get a single person a Christmas present. (Not because all my loved ones dropped off the planet between last Christmas and today; in fact, it's quite the contrary. I am overwhelmed by Jesus' kindness as I think of all the people I am blessed to call my friends.) When I got to thinking about it, doing something because of a tradition seems silly. I would love to give gifts to the people I care about daily, not just on December 25th. Plus, I thought it (Christmas) was a celebration of Jesus' birthday - not mine or any of my friends...?! If that's really the "reason for the season" then, theoretically, I should take all of the money that I would spend on thoughtful (yet commonly frivolous) gifts and buy Jesus a gift. Maybe that gift is a warm meal or jacket for someone who has neither. Maybe it's a plane ticket for someone who wouldn't get to go home otherwise. Maybe it's sponsoring a child who wouldn't be able to get food, shelter, and an education without the monthy check...It's funny how the truly important things come into focus when I try to see a picture that's slightly bigger than the one I dwell in.
So, to my friends, I love you. I tell you that often. I pray for you often. I think of you often. And, when I get the opportunity, I will delight at the chance to bless you in that small way. Thank you for all of the ways you bless me. Your listening ears, knowing words, and caring hearts are treasures found beyond store shelves. Thank you for being my friends day-in and day-out. I like knowing you, and being known by you, for more than one day a year.
For your part, friends, please never give me a reciprocal gift, bought not out of thought but rather out of tradition. A gift bought out of obligation is a burden to you and of little blessing to me. A prayer, a hug, a conversation - those I ask for freely. Share moments with me. Share yourself with me. Let me share myself with you. That will bring us closer to the center of CHRISTmas than anything packaged.
Enjoy His birthday. Be loved and so love. Thank you for loving me. XOXO, your friend

An unpredictable gift.

2004-12-23T21:36:00.000-08:00

Time has become my greatest nemisis. Recently it drips away at an uncomfortably slow pace, mocking me with constant moments of relishing this season of hurt. Thank You for being beyond time - taking me from the pain that time keeps near. "For I am overwhelmed, and you alone know the way I should turn." (Psalm 142:3) You hear my cry and carry my burdens, saving me from being overwhelmed...Not long ago there was a period of time where the minutes went by at such a hurried rate - I didn't want to sleep, not wanting seconds to be stolen from me as I shut my eyes on consciousness...Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that those days and feelings have already eased into faint memories...Strange how time not only teases me by going remarkably slow or wondrously fast; it also preserves to the finest detail the moments I'd love to forget while jading those I ache to keep close. I know there's a reason for this, and I thank You for that. Help me to cherish each minute. Help me to neither wish it would stretch into an hour nor that it would shrink into a second. Help me to savor every breath and the time that goes with it simply because of what it is. An unpredictable gift from You.

You helped me pull through.

2004-09-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me..." ~ Psalm 42:7

Life has changed. My heart has changed. I have changed.
It took less than one month for everything to turn upside down (or right-side up?) in the most wondrous way.
I am floored by Your goodness.
Thank you for the many, many blessings that you're covering me with. Above all, thank you for one of my life's largest miracles - the friend I've always wanted, and more importantly, the friend I've always needed. Wow...only You know how powerful that is to me.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles."
~ Philippians 4:13 & 14 (Was that verse written for me?! I can't get over how well You know me. <3>
I would say that I stand amazed by You and all that You are, but I can no longer stand - instead I fall at Your beautiful feet, speechless and unable to wipe the smile from my face and my heart. I can't get over it, nor do I want to...
Jesus, these feelings are like nothing I've felt before - I'm swimming in the spectacular ocean of your romance - and it's unbelievable.
You are unbelievable.

"that my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever." ~ Psalm 30:12

I'll pull through with You.

2004-08-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

Right now I wish I had a remote for my life. I'd fast-forward to a time I know is sure to come, regardless of the place I'm at now. How grateful I am that You are so much more than my feelings of hopelessness. Thank you for loving me when even I don't like who I am. If you left I would have no reason to live...thank you for never leaving.

I need you nearer still.

When I stop to think about it, I'm grateful that you are not giving me a remote - the lessons I'm learning will prove invaluable someday.

"You are the lover's Rock, the Rock that I cling to..." ~ Sade

Words too close...

2004-07-18T01:23:00.000-07:00

I do, for a while
I promise you, at least for now
And I love you forever, or until I say otherwise
But I do, for now
I'll say these words to you today
I'll look you in the eye, believe me now
And I'll love you forever, or until I say otherwise
but I do, for now
These words I say to you
they mean nothing if I can not follow through
And is it just feelings or something more
that will hold us together?
These things I vow are true
but they are nothing if I can not follow through
And who is to say when enough is enough?
When we say this is love?
And we say this is love.
~ Late Tuesday

Happy birthday.

2004-06-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Loving. Kind. Beautiful. Warm. Funny. Amazing. Trustworthy. Feisty. Intelligent. Fun. Great. Honest. Cool. Compassionate. Awesome. Caring. Spectacular. Gracious. Wonderful...Dori.
You bring life to those words. :)
Thank you for making my heart smile.
Your friendship blesses me beyond words.
"I thank my God every time I remember you." ~ Philippians 1:3

The only unfailing.

2004-06-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

I'm losing my expectations.
Life seems to work best when I simply enjoy it for the moment. Peace runs through me when I remember that nothing I'm going through will last forever. Change is continuous, regardless of my attitude. I might as well go with the flow...
I'm trying to take things as they come, a day at a time. If I'm happy, having a good day, I should relish that without expecting more than what it is - a moment, a feeling, a day. And if I'm sad, the same rule applies. Change my perspective until I see that it's not going to last forever. It's only a moment, a feeling, a day.
As much as I complain about this, I really do love the freedom that comes from not being in control. I'd crumple under that kind of pressure.
Thank you for never crumpling. <3 You are unfailing; my expectations are solely in you.

For Kelli.

2004-06-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

"O, the pain,
such lessons in such pain,
such hope in so much pain...
How can I call this pain?"
~ Watashi WA

"...live by faith, not by sight...
...hope that is seen is no hope at all."
~ 2 Corinthians 5:7 & Romans 8:24b

A love letter...

2004-06-12T01:38:00.000-07:00

I was in awe of your beauty today. And the beauty you create for me...
Words can't describe the bliss that overwhelms me as I catch a greater glimpse of you; I feel it beginning in my chest- then rising, falling, filling me to overflowing euphoria...
Thank you for revealing more of yourself to me- although I love the mystery that continues to envelop you. I love knowing that I'll never cease collapsing in the wonder of you...
Thank you for the rolling hills covered in green. Thank you for the sunsets. Thank you for the stars lighting up a clear, dark sky. Thank you for the city lights. Thank you for the cross atop the church...
Thank you for the sun. Thank you for blue skies spotted with billowing white clouds. Thank you for the cool breeze on a warm day. Thank you for your presence. Thank you for your nearness. Thank you for your closeness...
Thank you for your beauty. Thank you for your romance.

"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me." ~ Psalm 42:7

Did you rise the sun for me? Or paint a million stars that I might know your majesty? Is your voice upon the wind? Is everything I know marked with my maker's fingerprints?
Can I feel you in the rain? Abandon all I am to have you capture me again...
Breathe on me,
let me see
your face
Ever I will seek you
'Cause all you are is all I want,
always
Draw me close
in your arms
O, God,
I wanna be with you
~ Mia Fieldes, United

Sticks and stones....

2004-06-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

By the tidings of my tongue I lie and sing what can't be unsung,
o, my soul torn in two by the things that I say to you,
by the things I say...
~ Jennifer Knapp

There are no meaningless words. Everything said either heals or hurts.

Still this tongue for I am hung by its wicked notion....
....o, wasted tears dripping from my tongue where I'm hung, hung
~ Jennifer Knapp

"Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire..."
~ James 3:5b-6a

Am I strong enough to light people up....or small enough to burn them down?

Think....

2004-06-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

Love never expects to be returned.

Give me the strength to love as I am loved....
Psalm 18:1

A work in progress.

2004-05-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

All it takes is one moment for my world to turn upside down.
Without ever asking for my permission.
Someday I'll recover from the (seeming) losses brought forth, but that day is not today...
I'm forced to change by the changes surrounding me; but whether it's a change for the better or for the worse is my choice.
I wonder whether that power will be my triumph or my demise...